Your kid's a field fairy: A name guide for all the yuppie soccer moms out there.

Plus my favorite and least favorite words!

Okay, so I was thinking about names I like. If you know me, you will also know I'll be mad beyond all belief if you copy them. These are just some examples, and since these are what I want to name any children I ever have, I would appreciate it if you would be original. :)

(Yeah, I know, that last bit was kinda ridiculous.)

So anyways, let's start with the names. Now, I am referring to yuppie soccer moms because they are usually the ones to name their kids these awful, godforsaken names. Let's start with names I don't like.

Richard: Okay, the two nicknames for this are "Richie", and well, I'm sure you all know the second one. Your kid will get beat up on the playground.

Kelsey: I don't know why, but whenever I think of this name, I think of a pig.

Mary-anne, or any other name that's really a combination of two names: There's a middle name for a reason.

Bartholemue (sp?), or Bart: The Simpsons can pull it off. You cannot.

Christian: And why don't you name his siblings Jewish and Muslim?

Craig: No. Just no.

Allen: Ew.

Jerry: It reminds me of this really bad, unfunny show. It's called Seinfeld.

Anything named after you, especially if you call the kid "Junior": You're kid will get beat up on the playground and will be hanging out with Richard in the nurse's office.

Okay, now that there's bad names out of the way, I shall name some good ones. (Guys first.)

Damien: It means "demon", or "devil", I believe. As in what your kid's going to be if you're a yuppie soccer mom. (Note: I don't actually intend on naming any of my future children this.)

Anthony: With a nice Italian last name, you'll sound like a mobster. :)

Chris: I just like this name. Just Chris, though. Not Christopher. Or Christian. (Especially not Christian.)

Now for some girl names:

Joanie: I call all dibs on this one. It's so pleasingly old-fashioned and I just absolutely love it.

Misha: As in my favorite movie series's main character's sister: Hannibal. I just really love this name too, and call all dibs on it.

Ava: I love this name beyond all belief. However, both my brother and my sister want it, and since I don't intend on having children at age 15 (unlike SOME people in my school) whichever of them has kids first gets dibs.

There. If the name has not existed before 1960, or if you really are desperate, from 1990-1995, then don't do it.

Now, onto my most favorite words:

Oxymoron: I love this one because it's a combination of "oxyclean" as in the product whose mascot is a balding hippie, and "moron", as in what your kid is if you're a yuppie soccer mom.

Spiffy: It reminds me of the good old days. As when gas cost a nickel and a ration coupon, and yuppie soccer moms did not spawn Satan-children.

Godforsaken: I use this word about fifty billion times a day. It flows nicely off the tongue and is just a perfect emphasizing word.

Least favorite words:

Cockney: It reminds me of those annoying things that wake you up at a godforsaken hour when you live in the middle of nowhere and talk like this: "I got myself 5 youngins' and they all had a bounty of possum last night, 'cause my mama ain't learned me how to read."

Scoot/scooter: As in what your dog does across your carpet. Or what I tell your dog to do across your carpet if you're a yuppie soccer mom.

Argh: You're not a pirate. And if you are, you're not doing it right.

Dawg: You're not gangster. You're a middle-class suburban kid who'll probably cry if you stub your toe. Would you like to move to Cabrini Green when you move out? Probably not. Therefore, you have absolutely no right to use this word along with "'sup", "hood", and any word with a "gangster" accent. Seriously, you really don't want to do that in the city. Randy what's-his-last-name from American Idol barely has the right to use this word.

And people can't say, Yo, 'sup, cat, or any other animal.

Now, are you down with that, dawg?

-Cappuccino

P.S. This post was done at home.